A few days ago, I have undergone a profound shamanic ritual around heart opening, for the first time since my transformation has begun. I felt that it would be much easier to journey the world in the state of heart-opening, surrender and trust... And open my heart did. It feels like all the transformation that has been taking place over the past 2 years is clicking into place with precision and grace.....Internal alchemy is a fascinating process indeed! I feel like in some way, my body is literally changing phase. Another vibrational state....another level of consciousness. The internal quake is of such magnitude, that I can feel the Matrix vibrating violently with it - I am in awe in advance for the tsunami of experience that will manifest as a re-action to this quake. Feels like the timing is perfect. Something enormous is coming through me - the energy so big that I have no words for it.
A week later, I am still percolating. Yet, the people in my life ask whether I shall be back in this country to live. In a way, I feel completeness with the U.S., having spent exactly 1/2 of my life here. I want full heart and connection. I want aliveness. As much as I admire the many benefits of being here....I am also present to the insular/sterile way of being that is so pervasive here [perchance, just my experience]. For the time that I have been here, it has been perfect.....for, the hermetic part of me wanted to be fed. And it got full. So did the over-drive egoic piece....that got full too. There is nothing to prove anymore, nor a need to. Now is another stage.
And I began to consider the thought of "anchors." I have no anchor here....there is both tremendous freedom and an overtone of sadness about it. I am not attached to any locale and my transformation practice is global by nature.A woman without a country, as Vonnegut would put it. I love the journey and enjoy going forward. Yet, what I am recognizing is that the only "anchor" that could have any meaning at this point would be one in the heart of another being I care about deeply and who holds me fully in his heart. A being who would have an anchor here [an "anchor" in his definition]. That would be the only cause to come back. Funny that... A part of me wants to have that. I have never been at a point when only love could give meaning to a major choice in my life. Yet, I stand in "no-thing" with a possibility of everything, with my eyes, my mind and heart wide open. I have come to the edge of the unknown and am about to step over the line. I trust whatever shall meet me there.
THIS FEELS LIKE A CRITICAL POINT - THE "ALREADY-ALWAYS" WAYS ARE TO BE NO MORE....
